i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
