It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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