I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
