feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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