I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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