went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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