dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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