I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
