Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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