i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
