Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
