My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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