This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
