sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize