Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
