Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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