I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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