My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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