all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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