You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
