My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
