okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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