She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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