Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just want nice things and good sex
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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