my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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