The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
