Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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