does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
