My room smells like vodka and shame
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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