I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
