Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
