Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
