I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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