I can text with my tongue
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
