I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
