She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
