in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
