just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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