This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
