Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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