we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
