True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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