I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
