Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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