dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
