Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
