i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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