he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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