maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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