There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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