yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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