before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
