since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
