i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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