I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
