its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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