I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
