If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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