This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We are two peas in an std pod
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
