I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
