I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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