Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
