I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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