genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
