God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
