Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
